ALL ABOARD THE SALTED CARROT %!
Well well well, here I am with another enthralling biography that no one will ever read. Where to start? One minute I'm in Orkney, the wonderfully isolated and dull place I grew up, the next I'm in Brighton, the opposite end of the UK but where I kind-of-sort-of live. It is somewhat, as Helga once said, a yoyo of a life that's pretty hard to keep up with.
So how did I, an 18-year-old girl enjoying a pretty peaceful life, come to be throwing myself from one end of the country to the other constantly? To tell you the truth, I don't fucking know. I met a man and suddenly fireworks were exploding in all directions.
TOUCH MY HAIRY MOUSTACHE %!
Wow, I'm really going to have to re-rewrite this biography. It's 3am and I'm not making much sense. Anyway. A man. Errr... okay so I went to school. Wait. What? Yeah. I started school when I was four, finished when I was seventeen, decided against the compelling life of university and following a failed journalism career, moved into town & studied the first year of a degree in Business Management at college. Now I'm back on the journalism track with a training course lined up at The Argus in Brighton... and I'm living in a room of Toady's house.
Toady's my boyfriend. He's great, obviously - or he wouldn't be my boyfriend. We've been together for a year and a half, so it's all good! Apart from the one-room sitch.
MY LITTLE DUFFLEBAGGED CRUMPET WASHER %!
Next year, I want to go to America. I have a three-month trip planned; two months at Camp America followed by a month travelling from New York to Los Angeles (or the other way round). It's going to be fucking great, but only if it goes ahead. Jesus, this really needs a rewrite. I'm doing so badly.
I also want to go to Disneyland Paris. Disney is absolutely amazing, The Lion King is one of the best films of all time and that is THAT. My favourite movie of all time is The Butterfly Effect. The UK version because I'm a bit soppy and the ending is lovely. Oh yeah. Disneyland. Err, I was going to be there as I write this, but... that didn't happen. So now I have to wait until next year, which makes me sad. Hmph. I desperately want to go though.
This year has been boring. I've failed my driving test four times, my favourite relative died, my uncle was put in prison for no reason... well okay, boring isn't the word. But I can assure you it's been a fucking shit year. I didn't go anywhere over the summer, so that was quite boring. Suppose I need a break before next year's mammoth summer though!
JIZZ-HYDRANTS AND SNEEZING LOVE SLUGS %!
Wow. I've never written this badly in my life. Apart from when I was in primary school. Haha, once, we had to write a short story... when I was about 8. And I wrote 40 pages. Hahaha. I love writing. As a kid, I wrote fiction as much as fat kids eat chocolate. I had the biggest imagination ever, and suddenly I entered puberty and all that went away. How shit. After getting more and more interested in music, I started writing about that instead. And here I am, complete and utter music fanatic with the biggest ambition to be a music journalist.
Hmm. Touch my hairy moustache. Oh yeah. I play the guitar. I play a bit of piano, but I'm really not very good, so don't bother making a note of that one. Ugh, I was a bit pretentious in my last biog, but at least it was written better than this one! This is so changing tomorrow, so if you're reading this, copy & paste it now and use it against me when I'm a rich & famous journalist. Wait, please don't.
I'm a good writer really. I run a music magazine called Musicadian, but I'm incredibly lazy and lately, not very motivated. Howeverrrr, things are about to change! Musicadian is blatantly going to become bigger than Kerrang! ... maybe. It fucking should though, it's better. I'd like to work for Rock Sound, THAT'S a good music magazine. Smash Hits should come back. It was good until it was shit.
If you're actually reading this... you're my hero. You're also fucking sad.
*collapses*
Trying to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. - Kurt Cobain.